| It is said that one can go as slow as they need as long as they don't stop.
Society hates quitters. To truly quit is to assume death. I am not that far lost.
I have given up though which is different. Why spend energy struggling against the current?
Why accept the disappointment from lack of growth when I am actually able to be contented with what I have now? Contentment is a viable and virtuous goal. I live in misery because I listen to and believe the messages that I much change in order to be happy or to make others happy. I need not correct my "vices" or "bad habits". I need not apologize for who or what I am. No more guilt over having anger. No more shame for having fear. I am a frog on a log soaking up the Sun and not concerned that he is not measuring up. Mar 23, 2019 4:20PM |
| Last night I asked myself if I can be content while I am tired and aching. I can. I must. The alternative is hell. But this is not a switch that I throw in my mind. It is a mountain that I choose to climb. It is a constant striving. It takes diligence and that means attentiveness against falling. But falling is not failing. I am making no big statement here. Trying to be content as best I can. I need no permission from anyone to do so. No instruction needed. I am taking ownership of my own life. |
| "HYPOCRITE! Blind Eye. Blatant contradiction. You just said you would strive to be content." Did the fabric of time and space just rip? No, obviously there is a push pull relationship between contentment and growth. Yin and Yang. Can't have one without the other. It is all too easy to ignore one and let the other mutate. Strive to be contented then. Work at it like a fine art. Don't get out of balance. Laugh once in a while dammit. |
| The sage doesn't strive. Wei-wu-wei. I am no sage. The master's servant still struggles to maintain calm and contentment. Tossing in the waves. The problem is that I am seeking permanent bedrock -- a myth. No comfort granted to this pilgrim. Endless falling. |
| I'm finding serenity is the constancy of impermanence. Everything is churning. Let it churn. Joy surprised me as I looked out the window and saw nothing that had to be fixed. The grass grows all by itself. After being haunted by the spectre of need for so long I am relieved to know without a doubt that I am ok. Phantoms of urgency vaporize into nothingness. "Wound too tight." Usually yes, but not right now. I am relaxing in the valley being saturated by a warm spring rain. I am thriving and growing towards the Sun. But not growing because I am trying to -- it is by nature to see the progress of the Universe happen without force or undue action. I am an Earth creature and I am planted with deep roots sucking heavily on the nutrients of the Mother. And some day I will bloom. |